Mary Long is a hypocrite She does all the things that she tells us not to do Selling filth from a corner shop And knitting patterns to the high street queue She paints roses, even makes them smell good And then she draws titties on the khazy wall Drowns kittens just to get a thrill And writes sermons in the Sunday Chronicle How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long? When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long? Mary told Johnny not to write such trash Said it was a waste of public money But she made a fuss, they made apologies But everybody thought the show was funny When the nation knew you'd had children It came as such a surprise We really didn't know you'd had it in you How you did it we can only surmise How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long? When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long? Mary Long, you're not alone But you're a long way behind our times What we do in full frontal view Is more honest than your clean-up mind What I'm saying, Mary Long is When you can spare a minute Go find your friend, the porny Lord Dig your self a hole and jump in it How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long? When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long? How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long? When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long? Mary Long, Mary Long, Mary Long, Mary Long Mary Long, Mary